Tuesday, August 28, 2007
The Engagement Band
I've never been the type that takes the conventional road to life and situations. I can basically thank my mother for that because she did two things that altered my life. The first was when she played "Mas Que Nada" by Sergio Mendes & Brazil 66 on the record player. I wanted to be involved in music and art for the rest of my life. The second was that she was such a dysfunctional parent that I had to basically raise myself for the rest of my life. It also doesn't help being a light skinned Black kid in such a turbulent time like the seventies. Since I basically listened to any type of music and was more open minded, I was a total outcast. I honestly don't think that I've ever experienced total acceptance as person until I was 33.
Because of that, I basically follow a different road than most people. I mention this because I seem to confuse people about my current relationship situation. I say in my profile that I'm married and I always call Marta my wife despite the fact that I'm not offically married. It also throws people off because I wear a gold wedding band on my finger even though I'm not married. There's a reason for that. Marta does wear an engagement ring. She better because I'm still payin' on that mothafucka' and she better get the milage out of that Bling. People can look at her hand and see that she's engaged. I wanted to do the same thing so I bought a plain gold band and a seperate wedding band that I will change into during the ceremony. I wear it to show that I'm engaged as opposed to constantly have to say it all the time. A lot of people like the idea. I actually hope that it catches on in a way. I was also crazy enough to think that it would show that I'm taken and that women wouldn't hit on me. No dice. They still do. I can never figure that out.
So let's recap. Despite Marta being my fiancee, I will always call her my wife even though we won't be getting married until 2008. We practically live as husband & wife and worry about the usual stuff. In our minds, we're married.............as long as Marta has this gun to my head. KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!
Because of that, I basically follow a different road than most people. I mention this because I seem to confuse people about my current relationship situation. I say in my profile that I'm married and I always call Marta my wife despite the fact that I'm not offically married. It also throws people off because I wear a gold wedding band on my finger even though I'm not married. There's a reason for that. Marta does wear an engagement ring. She better because I'm still payin' on that mothafucka' and she better get the milage out of that Bling. People can look at her hand and see that she's engaged. I wanted to do the same thing so I bought a plain gold band and a seperate wedding band that I will change into during the ceremony. I wear it to show that I'm engaged as opposed to constantly have to say it all the time. A lot of people like the idea. I actually hope that it catches on in a way. I was also crazy enough to think that it would show that I'm taken and that women wouldn't hit on me. No dice. They still do. I can never figure that out.
So let's recap. Despite Marta being my fiancee, I will always call her my wife even though we won't be getting married until 2008. We practically live as husband & wife and worry about the usual stuff. In our minds, we're married.............as long as Marta has this gun to my head. KIDDING!!!!!!!!!!!
Romantic Music.............FOR FUCKIN’!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music has always been a major factor in my life. My tastes go all over the place. As I write this, my iTunes is holding 5817 songs. I would go nuts without my iPod. Music helped me survive every second of my life. I'd shoot myself if I ever lost my hearing.
One Sunday on the way to the spiritual center, my wife told me to remind her to buy some Sade for her Nano. She wanted some sexy mood music. She pointed out that I never play music to get us into a seductive mood. I always thought that foreplay and seduction was what you did before you got married. After you put the ring on the sex was supposed to happen on que. I realized that Marta did not see the sarcastic humor in that statement when she whipped the car over, pinned me to the passenger window by my throat and stuck a .38 Smith & Wesson down my throat. She was about to pull the trigger until she realized that it was my turn to do dishes, make dinner and do laundry that day. That's right. Domestic work saved me from a written check that my mouth wrote that just bounced.
I never had mood music when I fooled around with women. Everything usually happened so fast that I never had time to set the cd player. You just made do with what was on at the time. I never created a mixed cd of songs that might put a woman in the mood because I never knew what might piss a woman off. The wrong song can remind a woman of a really bad relationship and then she's walking out pissed off. It can also be the other way around. I've had TONS of really boring and bad sex. There is such a thing. After a period of time, I'd just focus on what's in the background. I remember once having sex with a woman and really getiing into an episode of "Crossing Jordan" that was playing in the next room and being bummed that I didn't Tivo it.
I'm basically married now to someone that I could never live without. I've always felt that the music comes from the playful talking, laughter and sighs and moans of estacy and joy that we bring each other. That beats an iPod playlist anytime. But, I am going to work on the mood music thing.
By the way, I went out and bought "The Best Of Sade" for my wife. She was thrilled.
One Sunday on the way to the spiritual center, my wife told me to remind her to buy some Sade for her Nano. She wanted some sexy mood music. She pointed out that I never play music to get us into a seductive mood. I always thought that foreplay and seduction was what you did before you got married. After you put the ring on the sex was supposed to happen on que. I realized that Marta did not see the sarcastic humor in that statement when she whipped the car over, pinned me to the passenger window by my throat and stuck a .38 Smith & Wesson down my throat. She was about to pull the trigger until she realized that it was my turn to do dishes, make dinner and do laundry that day. That's right. Domestic work saved me from a written check that my mouth wrote that just bounced.
I never had mood music when I fooled around with women. Everything usually happened so fast that I never had time to set the cd player. You just made do with what was on at the time. I never created a mixed cd of songs that might put a woman in the mood because I never knew what might piss a woman off. The wrong song can remind a woman of a really bad relationship and then she's walking out pissed off. It can also be the other way around. I've had TONS of really boring and bad sex. There is such a thing. After a period of time, I'd just focus on what's in the background. I remember once having sex with a woman and really getiing into an episode of "Crossing Jordan" that was playing in the next room and being bummed that I didn't Tivo it.
I'm basically married now to someone that I could never live without. I've always felt that the music comes from the playful talking, laughter and sighs and moans of estacy and joy that we bring each other. That beats an iPod playlist anytime. But, I am going to work on the mood music thing.
By the way, I went out and bought "The Best Of Sade" for my wife. She was thrilled.
The Ravinia Rant
I don't really get out much. That's changed since I met my wife. My weekend used to consist of a "NYPD Blue" marathon, A "Columbo" marathon, six hours of "VH1 Classic" and then surfing "Adult Friend Finder" to see who in some part of the world would perform a sexual act for me on their webcam while a "Law & Order:Criminal Intent/Special Victims Unit" marathon played in the background. That's right. My life was so sad and pathetic that Tom Waits wouldn't even want to use it for song material. My wife is a very warm and energetic Puerto Rican woman who loves life and being with friends. In other words, the hunchback met his Esmeralda and she's dragging him out in fuckin' public. Her, Gabrielle and Miss Kitty decided that we should all meet up at Ravinia for "A Night In Vienna". It was basically a classical concert. Cool. It beats watching "Body Of Evidence" for two hours........Even though I find Dayle Hinmann totally hot. I swear to God. If Marta ever gets finally fed up and kills me, PLEASE LET HER INVESTIGATE MY DEATH!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!.......Sorry.
We all finally hop on the Metra and go to Ravina. I love the place. We all bought lawn tickets and had our uber lawn chairs and food. By the way, my photo album is from is Ravinia story. Feel free to post your comments. Anyway, it started out great. The train dropped us off and we all filed in. Gabrielle and her friend had to go buy a lawn ticket at the box office and I noticed a rule on their sign. "No fireworks, lighters or firearms". I actually had to read that twice. We were in Ravinia Park. Massive uber rich "Risky Business" territory. WHO THE FUCK WOULD BRING A FIREARM TO RAVINIA?!?!?!?!? What concert caused them to have to create that rule and post it at the front gate? I've checked their concert schedule. The rowdiest show that is there is B.B. King with Joan Osborne. I can't believe that the Park has had enough firearm problems that they actually had to post that on a sign. Could you imagine the "picnic basket" list for that shit:
"STUFF FOR RAVINIA"
Pita Bread
Hummus
Wine
Lawn Chairs
Blanket
Candles
Napkins
Camera
38 Special With The Serial Number Filed Off And A Duct Tape Grip and a silencer
Its not like it would've made a difference. No one was searched walking in. Everyone was probably packin'. Classical fans shit seems to always be wound up too tight that I'm sure that somebody got capped during "Mozart's Requiem" at one point.
So, we were all having a great time sharing food and laughing. Then, the concert started and they announced that everyone was supposed to be quiet during the performance. We thought that they were just talking about the people in the Pavillion. The lawn section is over 50 feet away from the place. We couldn't possibly be an issue. Sure enough, the security team is actually walking though the lawn area telling people to "Shhhhhh". They actually had some 70 year old fuck walking around with a sign that said, "Quiet please during the performance". All of us were stunned. We were in a $10 lawn section. Who gives a fuck if we want to hang out and talk while we listened to Strauss. We literally had people give us the evil eye if we coughed or laughed too loud. Fuck you. We paid 10 bucks for this bitch. I actually got into a staring match with some asshole giving my wife and Miss Kitty the evil eye because they were laughing and talking. I was sitting there in hoping to God that my first fight in 15 years was not gonna' be over some asshole being disturbed during the bullshit "Blue Danube Waltz". That would've been a great Monday conversation:
Friend: Hey Jay. How was your weekend?
Jay: It was good even though I had to beat some muthafuckas' ass at Ravinia because he came up on me during a Strauss piece.
Friend: Dude, that's fucked up.
Jay: Yeah. Thank God for that "No Firearm" rule at the door.
Anyway, we waited it out for the show to end and basically ran to the Metra just so we could have a conversation. We all plan on seeing Emmylou Harris in September and hope that things are looser there. Either way, it was an experience.
We all finally hop on the Metra and go to Ravina. I love the place. We all bought lawn tickets and had our uber lawn chairs and food. By the way, my photo album is from is Ravinia story. Feel free to post your comments. Anyway, it started out great. The train dropped us off and we all filed in. Gabrielle and her friend had to go buy a lawn ticket at the box office and I noticed a rule on their sign. "No fireworks, lighters or firearms". I actually had to read that twice. We were in Ravinia Park. Massive uber rich "Risky Business" territory. WHO THE FUCK WOULD BRING A FIREARM TO RAVINIA?!?!?!?!? What concert caused them to have to create that rule and post it at the front gate? I've checked their concert schedule. The rowdiest show that is there is B.B. King with Joan Osborne. I can't believe that the Park has had enough firearm problems that they actually had to post that on a sign. Could you imagine the "picnic basket" list for that shit:
"STUFF FOR RAVINIA"
Pita Bread
Hummus
Wine
Lawn Chairs
Blanket
Candles
Napkins
Camera
38 Special With The Serial Number Filed Off And A Duct Tape Grip and a silencer
Its not like it would've made a difference. No one was searched walking in. Everyone was probably packin'. Classical fans shit seems to always be wound up too tight that I'm sure that somebody got capped during "Mozart's Requiem" at one point.
So, we were all having a great time sharing food and laughing. Then, the concert started and they announced that everyone was supposed to be quiet during the performance. We thought that they were just talking about the people in the Pavillion. The lawn section is over 50 feet away from the place. We couldn't possibly be an issue. Sure enough, the security team is actually walking though the lawn area telling people to "Shhhhhh". They actually had some 70 year old fuck walking around with a sign that said, "Quiet please during the performance". All of us were stunned. We were in a $10 lawn section. Who gives a fuck if we want to hang out and talk while we listened to Strauss. We literally had people give us the evil eye if we coughed or laughed too loud. Fuck you. We paid 10 bucks for this bitch. I actually got into a staring match with some asshole giving my wife and Miss Kitty the evil eye because they were laughing and talking. I was sitting there in hoping to God that my first fight in 15 years was not gonna' be over some asshole being disturbed during the bullshit "Blue Danube Waltz". That would've been a great Monday conversation:
Friend: Hey Jay. How was your weekend?
Jay: It was good even though I had to beat some muthafuckas' ass at Ravinia because he came up on me during a Strauss piece.
Friend: Dude, that's fucked up.
Jay: Yeah. Thank God for that "No Firearm" rule at the door.
Anyway, we waited it out for the show to end and basically ran to the Metra just so we could have a conversation. We all plan on seeing Emmylou Harris in September and hope that things are looser there. Either way, it was an experience.
Makes Me Wanna Pray
I was raised Catholic growing up. Let me alter that. I was placed in a Catholic school for ten years because I didn't have much of a choice as a kid. It was for the ususal reason that most parents did. My mother was divorced and had to work odd hours to support me and her sadistic mother. Since my mother couldn't be there to raise me because of work and avoiding the house, she put me in a Catholic school. I'm sure that she thought that it would bring discipline and structure into my life. What really happened was mostly mental and physical abuse. Constant terror. Shitloads of Catholic guilt. The list goes on. You also have to remember that I was going to school in the seventies and eighties. Back then, they could dish out whatever humiliation that they could create and call it discipline. Now, they schools would be getting sued if they even tried half the shit that they did back then.
I went to St. Margaret Of Scotland on 99th and Throop on the South Side of Chicago near Beverly. Its still there. My fondest memory of that place was going there to vote last year to make the Congress more Democratic. When you go to a Catholic grade school, you're made to go to church as a class even if you're not Catholic. It was more like a part of class. If you weren't baptised Catholic, you couldn't take Communion. That always sucked because you wanted to eat that so it could hold you over until lunchtime.
I never really believed in the sacraments and I always had questions about the Bible. A lot of just didn't make sense and it always getas distorted beyond proportion for that person's agenda. I went through Baptism, Holy Communion and Confirmation because I thought that if I didn't do them that I wouldn't be allowed into the next grade. When you're that young, you have no idea the depth of the dogma. You just go through it and hope that you figure it out at some point. I then found out that I could become an altar boy because I took all these sacraments. Cool...that gave me a reason not to be in class since I got the shit kicked out of me all he time. I could spend most of my time at church. My life at home was just as horrible because I had a sadistic grandmother and a mother that was barely there. So, I served as many masses as possible to stay out of the house. It also gave me a reason to snack on Communion wafers before mass. All altar boys did this. Our defense was that we could eat one because they weren't blessed yet. The wine was good too. Hey, it wasn't blessed yet. Why didn't they ever market that shit? "Sacrament Merlot"......"Sin never tasted so good"......Sorry
By the time that I quit St. Rita and went to Jones Commercial for my last two years of high school, I lost my faith because all that I had to connect to religion was violence, judgement, oppression and guilt. God already branded me a sinner and I had to find some sort of acceptance from a religious group in order receive the spirit and be clean. But since I'm not the type of person who's into blind faith, I questioned too many parts of the dogma in Baptist & Catholic religion and was basically shut out. I ended up becoming an athiest for a few years and lost hope.
I always had a belief that God is love. It didn't matter who you were or what you did. God's love would always love you and help you find a way to create hope and helpful paths in life. I always felt this but I could never find a place that practiced it. It seemed like there was always some sort of agenda. When you don't have a spiritual base, you always have this cursed feeling off loss and anger. My wife told me that at some point that I will need to find a spiritual path. I basically believed that I was doomed. I ended up having to look inside myself and make some serious changes. The biggest wake up call was the death of my father. We were never close because he made it a point to put up and emotional wall that I could never break down. He never had a problem with that. So, we only spoke about a couple of times a month and they weren't really conversations. He'd just talk about himself. I'd just listen for 20 minutes. He'd never ask about my life or anything. Then say "I love you" and hang up. When my father dropped dead from a heart attack, he died alone and no one found him for a month. I knew that if I didn't change my life that the same thing would happen to me. So, I ended up meeting Marta and Chelsea. They've been a wonderful family. I've developed a closer relationship with my friends and started mending fences with my mother. I also realized that I also suffered from anxiety and ADD and got help for that so I can focus better on life. But something was still missing. A sense of inner security and peace.
My best friend, Gabrielle, turned Marta and I on to a place called the Center For Spiritual Living. It believes that we are all dedicated to creating a spiritual environment where we recognize, honor and celebrate God, love and intelligence within all life. We do this through prayer, meditation and studies under the ideal that God is all of us and that we spread God's will though our will, love, actions and thought.
Since I've joined and let go of past pain and hurt, I've become a much more happier and centered person and life is full of joy and fun again. Its so wonderful to discover faith and the joy of the spirit after not having it for a long time.
If you're curious about the center, the link is:www.chicagocsl.org
I went to St. Margaret Of Scotland on 99th and Throop on the South Side of Chicago near Beverly. Its still there. My fondest memory of that place was going there to vote last year to make the Congress more Democratic. When you go to a Catholic grade school, you're made to go to church as a class even if you're not Catholic. It was more like a part of class. If you weren't baptised Catholic, you couldn't take Communion. That always sucked because you wanted to eat that so it could hold you over until lunchtime.
I never really believed in the sacraments and I always had questions about the Bible. A lot of just didn't make sense and it always getas distorted beyond proportion for that person's agenda. I went through Baptism, Holy Communion and Confirmation because I thought that if I didn't do them that I wouldn't be allowed into the next grade. When you're that young, you have no idea the depth of the dogma. You just go through it and hope that you figure it out at some point. I then found out that I could become an altar boy because I took all these sacraments. Cool...that gave me a reason not to be in class since I got the shit kicked out of me all he time. I could spend most of my time at church. My life at home was just as horrible because I had a sadistic grandmother and a mother that was barely there. So, I served as many masses as possible to stay out of the house. It also gave me a reason to snack on Communion wafers before mass. All altar boys did this. Our defense was that we could eat one because they weren't blessed yet. The wine was good too. Hey, it wasn't blessed yet. Why didn't they ever market that shit? "Sacrament Merlot"......"Sin never tasted so good"......Sorry
By the time that I quit St. Rita and went to Jones Commercial for my last two years of high school, I lost my faith because all that I had to connect to religion was violence, judgement, oppression and guilt. God already branded me a sinner and I had to find some sort of acceptance from a religious group in order receive the spirit and be clean. But since I'm not the type of person who's into blind faith, I questioned too many parts of the dogma in Baptist & Catholic religion and was basically shut out. I ended up becoming an athiest for a few years and lost hope.
I always had a belief that God is love. It didn't matter who you were or what you did. God's love would always love you and help you find a way to create hope and helpful paths in life. I always felt this but I could never find a place that practiced it. It seemed like there was always some sort of agenda. When you don't have a spiritual base, you always have this cursed feeling off loss and anger. My wife told me that at some point that I will need to find a spiritual path. I basically believed that I was doomed. I ended up having to look inside myself and make some serious changes. The biggest wake up call was the death of my father. We were never close because he made it a point to put up and emotional wall that I could never break down. He never had a problem with that. So, we only spoke about a couple of times a month and they weren't really conversations. He'd just talk about himself. I'd just listen for 20 minutes. He'd never ask about my life or anything. Then say "I love you" and hang up. When my father dropped dead from a heart attack, he died alone and no one found him for a month. I knew that if I didn't change my life that the same thing would happen to me. So, I ended up meeting Marta and Chelsea. They've been a wonderful family. I've developed a closer relationship with my friends and started mending fences with my mother. I also realized that I also suffered from anxiety and ADD and got help for that so I can focus better on life. But something was still missing. A sense of inner security and peace.
My best friend, Gabrielle, turned Marta and I on to a place called the Center For Spiritual Living. It believes that we are all dedicated to creating a spiritual environment where we recognize, honor and celebrate God, love and intelligence within all life. We do this through prayer, meditation and studies under the ideal that God is all of us and that we spread God's will though our will, love, actions and thought.
Since I've joined and let go of past pain and hurt, I've become a much more happier and centered person and life is full of joy and fun again. Its so wonderful to discover faith and the joy of the spirit after not having it for a long time.
If you're curious about the center, the link is:www.chicagocsl.org
Porn......The Other Beat Meat
Everybody remembers certain "firsts" in their life. Their first song that made an impact. Their first favorite TV show. Their first kiss by someone who wasn't a creepy relative. Their first drink. The first time that they ever saw "Scarface". Their first credit card. Their first bounced check. Their first collections call. Their first love. The first time that they fell to their knees and cried their motherfuckin' eyes out after their first love left their ass. Their first tax return. And most important.......Their first experience with porn.
Porn, ethnic people, sex, power, homosexuality and love all have the same thing in common. They've been around since the creation of fuckin' breathing air and it will never go away. As soon as man took its first breath, the next thing that he/she did was look at another person's body part that turned them on and tried to hump it. After they got done humping it, they had to figure out another way to tell people about it. So they created crude erotic cave drawings. Hence, the first smut was created.
No matter how far we advance through technology. We always need to use it in some shape or form for a sexual outlet of some sort. As soon as Alexander Graham Bell said, "Mr. Watson, I need to see you", during the first phone call. You knew that later in the week that Watson was on this new phone having phone sex with his wife or boyfriend. When the car was created, the joyride was created so we could have sex in the backseat. When film was created, the stag film and beaver shots were born. And then, the world went straight to fuckin' carnal hell when they created the videotape and the internet. The hand lotion and kleenex industry had to work overtime to keep up with the demand.
The United States Population in 2006 consisted 299,398,484 people. In 2006, the adult video industry grossed 1.8 billion dollars in profit. The internet made 1 billion in porn revenue. Porn mags made 1 billion. Pay Per View Smut made 128 million last year and Cell Phone smut made 30 million dollars in profit. Let's take a more conservative approach. If you joined an adult dvd mail rental membership with a 4 dvds at a time plan that costs $28.00 a month, that would come out to $336.00 in personal porn rentals a year. There's no accurate amount on what call girls and strip clubs make because a lot is under the table profit. You have to give me a second here to step back. Who the fuck needs smut on their cell phone?! Why!!? I carry a cell phone for only one important reason. That's so my wife can get in touch with me every second of my life. God help me if I forget my cell phone. I end up breathing through a tube. Why add insult to injury and download smut onto a cell phone bill that Marta usually sees first. I catch enough shit when I buy a new ringtone.
I actually remember my first erotic image. It was "The Adventures Of Moll Flanders" on PBS back in the mid-seventies. They showed a bare breast during a scene. I then saw "The French Woman" with Klaus Kinski & Dayle Haddon late at night on "On-TV" in the Eighties. MOST kids got their first taste of porn back then from that. My actual first hardcore film was "Naughty Network". My dad had it sitting around his apartment on videotape and I popped it in by accident. It was a blessing and a curse because I should not have seen that when I was in seventh grade but my parents didn't talk to me about sex either. I had to pick up information where it was available and it least those movies showed you where to exactly put it. It was actually good that I saw that type of porn when I was younger because it was pretty basic back then. Nowadays, I feel bad for some awkward teenage kids that would see today's style of porn and try to pull off an ATM during their first time.
Porn usually gets a socially bad rap. Lots of uptight people speak publicly against it and then run home and surf for it on the internet. Then there's always the bullshit statements. It exploits women. It promotes violence. It profits from other people's pain. Let's break that down. If you are a company that makes a profit that needs workers to maintain that profit line, the worker is being exploited in some way if they work for that company because upper management makes most of the profit. Period. In porn, the women are needed in order for new product to be created for the supply and demand. Because of this, the porn stars usually make about $3000 a week depending on what they do. Yes, they do burn out pretty fast. Yes, they do have personal problems that drawns them to this type of work. Name one person at your job that is not dealing with some sort of constant fucked up situation that they have to battle in their life. Next, porn creates violence towards women. No piece of artistic media causes a person to act violent. That person already had the violence in them. Porn films actually make it a point to stress in the beginning that the material is non-violent.
Its funny to me because I was pretty innocent about this until 1992 when I went to manage a video store after I got divorced. The name of the store was "Video Shmideo" and it was near State & Oak. That kid with the shoulder length long hair and black fingernail polish who managed the place. That was me.
The store was basically 90% porn and 10% general releases. People went there to rent smut. One thing that I learned was that you could be from any walk of life but you still needed spank. You could run NBC or work at the 7-11. Either way, they rented five at a time. I never passed judgement. I just fed the beaten monkey. One thing that caught me off guard was how porn changed since I saw it. When I was a kid, porn was shot on film and they were basically b-movies with graphic sex. With videotape, it was about the act and not the person unless the person was good at a certain act. Like when Annabel Chong did the very first world's biggest gangbang. I remember that because I also remember how boring it was. It looked when you're stuck in the "20 Items Or Less" line at a grocery store and there's 50 of those muthafuckas waiting in line to get to the register. It just amazes me about what passes for sex thrills these days. You can't just say, "Let's get a porn flick". You actually need details before you leave. I actually remember this conversation:
Me: I'm runnin' to the video store.
Friend: Hey, grab me some porn.
Me: Did you want straight, girl/girl, gangbang, anal, solo, golden age, tranny, Over 50, gay, asian, interracial or a four hour mixed tape?
Friend: Jesus Christ?!
Me: I don't think he made one.
I swear to God. That was an actual conversation.
Women always wonder why guys are into porn. What do porn chicks have that they don't. Actually, its not about the porn star. Its the sexual idea. We rent certain types of porn that includes acts that we can't ask our wives/girlfriends to do. It indulges fantasies that we'd never act in real life. That's the big secret about it. That's why the credit card is maxed out and there's no clean towels in your house.
I was inspired by this because I had just heard an old episode of a radio show that Jamie and I did ten years ago in which we listed our best and worst porn films of all time. Its completely different from what I watch now because your tastes change when you mature. At this point, I'm pretty much burnt out from it. I've been watching most of my life and I'm starting to get bored of it. I'm also doing it for medical reasons. Its hard to breathe and talk after a wife inflicted crushed larynx.
Porn, ethnic people, sex, power, homosexuality and love all have the same thing in common. They've been around since the creation of fuckin' breathing air and it will never go away. As soon as man took its first breath, the next thing that he/she did was look at another person's body part that turned them on and tried to hump it. After they got done humping it, they had to figure out another way to tell people about it. So they created crude erotic cave drawings. Hence, the first smut was created.
No matter how far we advance through technology. We always need to use it in some shape or form for a sexual outlet of some sort. As soon as Alexander Graham Bell said, "Mr. Watson, I need to see you", during the first phone call. You knew that later in the week that Watson was on this new phone having phone sex with his wife or boyfriend. When the car was created, the joyride was created so we could have sex in the backseat. When film was created, the stag film and beaver shots were born. And then, the world went straight to fuckin' carnal hell when they created the videotape and the internet. The hand lotion and kleenex industry had to work overtime to keep up with the demand.
The United States Population in 2006 consisted 299,398,484 people. In 2006, the adult video industry grossed 1.8 billion dollars in profit. The internet made 1 billion in porn revenue. Porn mags made 1 billion. Pay Per View Smut made 128 million last year and Cell Phone smut made 30 million dollars in profit. Let's take a more conservative approach. If you joined an adult dvd mail rental membership with a 4 dvds at a time plan that costs $28.00 a month, that would come out to $336.00 in personal porn rentals a year. There's no accurate amount on what call girls and strip clubs make because a lot is under the table profit. You have to give me a second here to step back. Who the fuck needs smut on their cell phone?! Why!!? I carry a cell phone for only one important reason. That's so my wife can get in touch with me every second of my life. God help me if I forget my cell phone. I end up breathing through a tube. Why add insult to injury and download smut onto a cell phone bill that Marta usually sees first. I catch enough shit when I buy a new ringtone.
I actually remember my first erotic image. It was "The Adventures Of Moll Flanders" on PBS back in the mid-seventies. They showed a bare breast during a scene. I then saw "The French Woman" with Klaus Kinski & Dayle Haddon late at night on "On-TV" in the Eighties. MOST kids got their first taste of porn back then from that. My actual first hardcore film was "Naughty Network". My dad had it sitting around his apartment on videotape and I popped it in by accident. It was a blessing and a curse because I should not have seen that when I was in seventh grade but my parents didn't talk to me about sex either. I had to pick up information where it was available and it least those movies showed you where to exactly put it. It was actually good that I saw that type of porn when I was younger because it was pretty basic back then. Nowadays, I feel bad for some awkward teenage kids that would see today's style of porn and try to pull off an ATM during their first time.
Porn usually gets a socially bad rap. Lots of uptight people speak publicly against it and then run home and surf for it on the internet. Then there's always the bullshit statements. It exploits women. It promotes violence. It profits from other people's pain. Let's break that down. If you are a company that makes a profit that needs workers to maintain that profit line, the worker is being exploited in some way if they work for that company because upper management makes most of the profit. Period. In porn, the women are needed in order for new product to be created for the supply and demand. Because of this, the porn stars usually make about $3000 a week depending on what they do. Yes, they do burn out pretty fast. Yes, they do have personal problems that drawns them to this type of work. Name one person at your job that is not dealing with some sort of constant fucked up situation that they have to battle in their life. Next, porn creates violence towards women. No piece of artistic media causes a person to act violent. That person already had the violence in them. Porn films actually make it a point to stress in the beginning that the material is non-violent.
Its funny to me because I was pretty innocent about this until 1992 when I went to manage a video store after I got divorced. The name of the store was "Video Shmideo" and it was near State & Oak. That kid with the shoulder length long hair and black fingernail polish who managed the place. That was me.
The store was basically 90% porn and 10% general releases. People went there to rent smut. One thing that I learned was that you could be from any walk of life but you still needed spank. You could run NBC or work at the 7-11. Either way, they rented five at a time. I never passed judgement. I just fed the beaten monkey. One thing that caught me off guard was how porn changed since I saw it. When I was a kid, porn was shot on film and they were basically b-movies with graphic sex. With videotape, it was about the act and not the person unless the person was good at a certain act. Like when Annabel Chong did the very first world's biggest gangbang. I remember that because I also remember how boring it was. It looked when you're stuck in the "20 Items Or Less" line at a grocery store and there's 50 of those muthafuckas waiting in line to get to the register. It just amazes me about what passes for sex thrills these days. You can't just say, "Let's get a porn flick". You actually need details before you leave. I actually remember this conversation:
Me: I'm runnin' to the video store.
Friend: Hey, grab me some porn.
Me: Did you want straight, girl/girl, gangbang, anal, solo, golden age, tranny, Over 50, gay, asian, interracial or a four hour mixed tape?
Friend: Jesus Christ?!
Me: I don't think he made one.
I swear to God. That was an actual conversation.
Women always wonder why guys are into porn. What do porn chicks have that they don't. Actually, its not about the porn star. Its the sexual idea. We rent certain types of porn that includes acts that we can't ask our wives/girlfriends to do. It indulges fantasies that we'd never act in real life. That's the big secret about it. That's why the credit card is maxed out and there's no clean towels in your house.
I was inspired by this because I had just heard an old episode of a radio show that Jamie and I did ten years ago in which we listed our best and worst porn films of all time. Its completely different from what I watch now because your tastes change when you mature. At this point, I'm pretty much burnt out from it. I've been watching most of my life and I'm starting to get bored of it. I'm also doing it for medical reasons. Its hard to breathe and talk after a wife inflicted crushed larynx.
The Wedding Planner
Several close friends of mine are getting married soon. My best friend Sarah is finally marrying Joe later this year. Miss Kitty will finally share her kitty condo with Jim in 2008. I'm really happy for them because they are two couples who are a great example for me. Marta and I plan to get married in Winter 2008 officially. I already consider her my wife and I wear a temporary gold band to show that. It'll our second and last marriage for the both of us. For once, we feel that we made the best choice and were meant to be together and I consider Chelsea to be a surrogate daughter even though she my stepdaughter and has a very active father in her life.
My first marriage was doomed from the date that it was set. First off, I was 22 when I got married the first time. Men don't know shit at that age. Period. Point fuckin' blank. You really shouldn't get married until either your 30 or you end up with either Scarlett Johannsen, Salma Hayek, Monica Bellucci, Queen Latifah, Pam Grier, Helen Mirren, Danielle Foxx or Gia Darling wanting to marry you right there on the spot. I'm just speaking for the guys here. Women can usually handle it better. My ex-wife and I got married on Halloween 1992 so we could remember the anniversary easier and see a Ramones concert at The Aragon on the same night. Right there, it was fucked. We also got married at City Hall. Another bad omen to me. There's just something not good about getting married at the same place where you pay your parking tickets and property tax. Not really romantic hallowed ground if you catch my drift. And my third point, I got my dumb ass trapped in a marriage situation because I stupidly said at the climax point, "I'll marry you if you keep this up". She thought I was serious and I was afraid to tell her that I was just kidding because I thought that it would ruin my chances on getting laid again. So guys, keep your goddamned mouth shut when you reach the blasting point or you'll end up saying some stupid shit like "I love you" or "Marry me" or "My bank routing number is......".
After my first "Hostel" like marriage lasted six months, I met Marta in 2006. We fell in love or she bought me bullshit. Either one of the two. I think she bought my bullshit on purpose so she could call me on it all the time. If there's one simple truth, the wife is always right. That's just law. Anyway, we were trying to figure out how and when we were going to get married. At first, we were going to take the Las Vegas approach and NO NOT AN ELVIS WEDDING!!!!! I actually wanted us to get married by Dyanna Thorne. She was the star of "Ilsa Queen Of The SS". Her and her husband are ordained ministers. I thought that would be cool. Marta just gave me the "Fuck that" look. We also couldn't do it because we couldn't bring Chelsea to Vegas because of her age. So, we had to come up with another plan. That's when we found out the main thing. WEDDINGS AND RECEPTIONS ARE EXPENSIVE AND A BIG FUCKIN' HEADACHE!!!!
Sarah basically had to move heaven and earth to plan her upcoming wedding and set everything up. Miss Kitty finally decided to hire a wedding planner because its all one big pain in the ass. Marta and I just want to find a minister. A spritual place. A nice caterer and just get it over with. No bridzillia bullshit. Luckily, we found our minister and possibly a new church to get married. All we have to do now is save up and get this done by Winter 2008. I'm more than positive that it'll all work out. If it doesn't, we could always go to Vegas when Chelsea turns 18 and get married there........That would also give us a chance to see "The Beatles Love" at The Mirage.
My first marriage was doomed from the date that it was set. First off, I was 22 when I got married the first time. Men don't know shit at that age. Period. Point fuckin' blank. You really shouldn't get married until either your 30 or you end up with either Scarlett Johannsen, Salma Hayek, Monica Bellucci, Queen Latifah, Pam Grier, Helen Mirren, Danielle Foxx or Gia Darling wanting to marry you right there on the spot. I'm just speaking for the guys here. Women can usually handle it better. My ex-wife and I got married on Halloween 1992 so we could remember the anniversary easier and see a Ramones concert at The Aragon on the same night. Right there, it was fucked. We also got married at City Hall. Another bad omen to me. There's just something not good about getting married at the same place where you pay your parking tickets and property tax. Not really romantic hallowed ground if you catch my drift. And my third point, I got my dumb ass trapped in a marriage situation because I stupidly said at the climax point, "I'll marry you if you keep this up". She thought I was serious and I was afraid to tell her that I was just kidding because I thought that it would ruin my chances on getting laid again. So guys, keep your goddamned mouth shut when you reach the blasting point or you'll end up saying some stupid shit like "I love you" or "Marry me" or "My bank routing number is......".
After my first "Hostel" like marriage lasted six months, I met Marta in 2006. We fell in love or she bought me bullshit. Either one of the two. I think she bought my bullshit on purpose so she could call me on it all the time. If there's one simple truth, the wife is always right. That's just law. Anyway, we were trying to figure out how and when we were going to get married. At first, we were going to take the Las Vegas approach and NO NOT AN ELVIS WEDDING!!!!! I actually wanted us to get married by Dyanna Thorne. She was the star of "Ilsa Queen Of The SS". Her and her husband are ordained ministers. I thought that would be cool. Marta just gave me the "Fuck that" look. We also couldn't do it because we couldn't bring Chelsea to Vegas because of her age. So, we had to come up with another plan. That's when we found out the main thing. WEDDINGS AND RECEPTIONS ARE EXPENSIVE AND A BIG FUCKIN' HEADACHE!!!!
Sarah basically had to move heaven and earth to plan her upcoming wedding and set everything up. Miss Kitty finally decided to hire a wedding planner because its all one big pain in the ass. Marta and I just want to find a minister. A spritual place. A nice caterer and just get it over with. No bridzillia bullshit. Luckily, we found our minister and possibly a new church to get married. All we have to do now is save up and get this done by Winter 2008. I'm more than positive that it'll all work out. If it doesn't, we could always go to Vegas when Chelsea turns 18 and get married there........That would also give us a chance to see "The Beatles Love" at The Mirage.
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